in short...Step 1 & the aftermath

It feels strange to be on the other side of it all. I spent 7 weeks continuously studying for my first board exam which I took on February 12th. The first few weeks of dedicated were not bad at all. I was excited to finally be able to schedule my days without factoring in required sessions or weekly quizzes. I spent my mornings memorizing Quran, knocking out some anki and UWorld questions and would find the time to do a cycling workout or go for a run with Layla in the afternoon. Fridays were nonnegotiable according to my sisters: it was an absolute must that we attended Jumah. I found myself on route to the ICD every Friday, my eyes taking in the sights of the city after days on end of only the light blue walls of our house as aesthetic scenery. The last 2 weeks leading up to my test date was not the greatest time of my life, I can tell you that much.  

I counted the hours then as I do not now, now as I sit here typing away leisurely in my living room. The wind is howling outside, a detail that may have had gone unnoticed a week ago (since I would have been in my room, headphones on, white noise blasting, pomodoro timer ticking away). I counted the number of topics and tasks I checked off, the number of UWorld questions I completed, the number of days I had until my next NBME practice, the number of weeks left until Feb 12th. I crossed out the days on the calendar hanging by my desk triumphantly on some days, reluctantly on others. 

I counted because time was the limiting factor. 

I counted it because it was a measure and an estimate of my potential to progress. I counted it because I felt, unlike ever before, that I was in a race against time.

Time became the most precious commodity I had. But I wonder now, after coming back to this post to complete it and after having passed Step 1 (alhamdulilah), how productive, filling, and precious every moment of my life could be if I tread it with the same level of appreciation that I exercised during my dedicated period (obviously without the same feeling of dread or anxiousness). How many more days of my life I could have sat basking in the early morning light, or delving so deeply into a topic that I am left in both awe and fear of Allah's majesty. 

I wonder how many of us count our years in days, our days in hours, our hours in minutes. 

I have lived 10, 332 days. 

If I live to 80, I will have lived 29, 200 days. In short, I have already lived ~ 1/3 of the average lifespan of a female in the U.S. 

I wonder how many of us realize that the only *true* limiting factor is time, and how differently we would live our days with that realization.